


snails kissing

by EtceterasEverywhere



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Meet-Cute, Snails, idiots meeting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28369020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtceterasEverywhere/pseuds/EtceterasEverywhere
Summary: Phil wants to be smooched and Dan wants to rescue snails.Also called: Dan: the snail saviour; and Phil: the “maybe the real snails saved were the cuties we met along the way” guy.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 36
Kudos: 52





	snails kissing

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this tumblr post](https://etceteraseverywhere.tumblr.com/post/628653734435684352/this-person-sent-this-email-to-my-entire-colleges)!

[forum] Snail Collection

[ djhisnotonuni@gmail.com ](mailto:djhisnotonuni@gmail.com)

Hello, all I am collecting snails tonight around 6 (6/4/2019) and tomorrow night (6/4/2019) for my thesis. If anyone wants to join in this endeavour I would love to have you.

Best, 

~~~

Phil stares curiously at the e-mail on his computer.

He is waiting for an important feedback e-mail on one of his latest assignments and just decided to browse through the university forum. That was the last message that had been sent.

There are a lot of questions going around his head. What kind of major would require snails for a thesis? What could the thesis be about?

The subject says Snail Collection. Maybe the person doesn't want the snails for his thesis and this is just a trap to involve Phil in some kind of ecological crime. Maybe they are a supervillain who are going to use the snails for a biological weapon or to solve Climate Change. Although the latter doesn't sound like something a supervillain would do, well maybe they would be a villain for those big business guys. 

Collection sounds like this person wants to steal all the snails and lock them up in some kind of evil laboratory, or maybe eat them! Phil never liked the idea of people cooking snails, so that sounded super evil to him. Maybe they are going to cook them and force people to eat them, not only affecting people on campus but also wiping out the snail population! Phil has to find a way to stop this!

That leads him to two very important details, the person had not left their name and neither had left the location where possible snail-interested people could go. Phil had never seen a single snail on campus and he had been there for almost four years. So the whole deal is even more suspicious.

No name, no location: it is totally a trap. Whoever is planning to go just because they just love snails could be kidnapped with the poor snails, and taken to a basement, where the Snail Collector could make weird experiments inside their minds or make strange hybrids. Like in that manga Mer lent him once after Phil told them he was working on a horror video for one of his assignments.

One ding brings him back to reality. Finally, the email he was waiting for making its appearance in Phil's inbox. 

Phil checks it and the weight of the sleepless nights falls on him.

He dreams about a snail revolution that night.

*

“Have you ever seen snails here?” Phil asks with a spoon in his mouth.

Phil goes to Mer’s place at midday. They had promised him to prepare some lunch in celebration of his last assignment getting a lot of good comments. Phil was feeling nervous about it because he went out of his comfort zone this time, and that apparently deserved some celebration. The promised lunch turned out to be granola and yoghurt; so they were just sitting on the floor of the tiny kitchen with big bowls of granola.

“No?” Mer looks at him like he has just grown an extra head. “Why would I see snails here? Have you seen them? I said you should sleep more, Phil.”

They stare at each other with mouths full of granola until they start giggling. (Fabi, Mer's girlfriend, is maybe their best resource. What would they do without her?)

Fabi startles them when she enters the kitchen and stares at them disapprovingly before sitting in between them, letting out a tired sigh, and stealing some of Phil’s granola; almost as if it's usual for them to just eat on the floor. 

(It is. Finals week is eating on the floor week.)

They go back to eat in silence before Phil asks again.

“Have you ever seen snails here?” 

Fabi raises her head from Mer’s shoulder. “Is this about the e-mail in the college forum?”

Phil blushes.

“The guy who’s working with me on a project has a partner who is studying Environmental Science?" Fabi puts her head back again on Mer's shoulder. "They said that the lad who posted that had been seen taking snails with him recently. I don’t know if he’s majoring on that, though.” She explains before stealing more granola from Phil.

Phil blushes more at the mention of a guy. He hadn’t had luck with guys in the last two years. From weird Christmas chocolate-stealing guys to guys confounding him with their partners, Phil had lost all hope to find a guy he could give all of his love and all of his smooches to.

“Were you planning on helping him?” Mer and Fabi both ask synchronized.

“I mean- I don’t really have anything to do! And, now that you mention a guy-"

Any god out there couldn’t prevent him from imagining all these imaginary situations where he meets this guy and the guy immediately likes him; sharing a lot in common which inevitably leads to them dating. All of these imaginary situations were often destroyed by himself, considering all the bad experiences with guys so far. Well, not bad experiences, they just didn’t work.

(Maybe some of them were bad, but Phil doesn’t like to think about it.)

“Ow, he’s blushing,” Mer coos. “Come on Fa! Tell me the guy is lovely and all that stuff so we can give Phil our blessing.”

“Well, I don’t know who he is but a snail collector sounds lovely enough, doesn’t it?” Fabi stares at Mer while they are considering sending their “boy” to this new possible love. Phil can't feel more embarrassed.

“I don’t wanna get involved in an ecological crime,” Phil mumbled.

“What are you talking about man? You still forget your thermos when you go to buy a coffee!” Mer chastises him before mumbling disapprovingly, “all those cups, enough to be considered an ecological crime.”

“Sorry, sorry. I won’t forget next time.”

“You better not!” Mer points at him with their spoon making a little drop of yoghurt fly to his nose.

They stay in silence eating again until Fabi clicks her fingers as if she just remembered something important.

“So, the lad…”

“Okay, okay I’m leaving.” Phil leaves the bowl making a mental note to wash it later when it's safe to walk around their place without Mer and Fabi trying to pester him about his inexistent love life.

“You have yoghurt on your face silly!” Mer yells behind him followed by a, “it’s near the lab building, the snail thing. Don’t forget to use your blue shirt, it makes your eyes pop out!” from Fabi.

Phil decides not to listen to them.

(Except with the yoghurt thing, he does clean up his face.)

*

Maybe Phil finds himself waiting near the labs building entrance at a certain specific hour in the evening. Maybe. He isn’t checking for snails. Not at all. And nobody can prove he is wearing a blue shirt, his best blue shirt.

There are lots of snails, more than what he had seen in his entire life. He has never realized how many snails went out of their little homes and crossed over the narrow path in between two buildings during the rain season. Some of them were even adventuring to the, not at all, narrow path where students passed without seeing where they were stepping. 

For the third time since Phil arrived, he reaches out and saves some snails before they get crushed. No wonder the Snail Collector was taking them, maybe he was planning to make them a new home or something.

(Phil crosses out the “ecological crime” from his mental list.)

Ten minutes pass, and then ten more. It starts to rain and it is difficult to try to figure out who is who because most of the students and professors have their umbrellas. But not Phil, he is soaking wet and he is sure that his nipples can be seen through his shirt. 

He is ignoring the small voice in the back of his mind that says _you don’t know what he looks like, what are you searching for?_ But Phil still looks for under the umbrellas receiving some weird glances, but there is not someone who looks like a Snail Collector whatever that means. 

_The guy could have a man bun and blonde hair and amazing biceps_ , Phil thinks, _well maybe not the amazing biceps, he can still have the man bun and maybe be a little nerdy and have long legs and be strong enough to carry me in his arms and-._ He stops himself there because the last thing he needs is getting horny.

When 30 minutes pass between thinking about how the guy could look like, searching for shelter from the rain, and playing Angry Birds on his phone, nervous thoughts go directly into Phil’s mind. Surely the e-mail was a prank and currently, there is someone behind some weird looking bushes filming Phil making a fool of himself. Why would he think this was going to be the time he could swipe some guy of his feet?

Checking the cloudy sky Phil decides to go home, but he is suddenly interrupted by a black cat-eared umbrella crashing into his face.

Whatever he thought the guy could look like doesn't prepare him to see how gorgeous the Snail Collector looks. Not that he knew this dude was the Snail Collector, but something inside Phil said he was.

(Also, he has a rainbow snail pin and a black cat one on his jacket. Just all the things you can see while getting your face impaled with a cat umbrella.)

“Mate, what the hell?" the guy says a little too loud for someone who has a cat umbrella, but Phil is not one to judge. 

The Snail Collector has a sweet patch of rosy skin on the bottom part of one of his cheeks and it is shining even when the only light is the one from the lamp posts. Also, Phil can’t help but notice how his hair is so curly and soft looking, how dimples mark sweetly on his cheeks when he bits his lower lip probably thinking hard, probably plotting how to murder him.

It is still raining, Phil’s eye is throbbing a little bit, he is shivering, and he is so stupidly drawn to this guy he just forgets about anything else. Still, he can't help but shiver and wince and probably look like a little wounded animal, maybe that's why the guy just softens.

Everything around the guy goes soft, somehow; he can’t believe he is about to spend an evening with a cute guy under a cat umbrella, brushing elbows, sharing some smiles and…right, collecting snails.

“Snail Collector?”

Blushing impossibly he says, “yeah, I guess?” 

There is a bit of silence where they just stare at each other. The guy looks less like he wants to curse him and his family, and more like he thinks Phil is pretty. (Maybe, a man can only hope.)

Phil finally murmurs, “you forgot to put your name.”

“Excuse me?”

“You forgot your name! Uhm, in your post thing, I had to ask a friend for info because I-” Phil looks nervously over the Snail Collector, “I thought you might be cute! And you are! And also I wanted to make sure you weren’t going to commit an ecological crime.”

Phil realizes that the dimples also appear when there is laughing involved, laughter that Phil made happen.

“Dan.”

“Huh?”

“My name is Dan,” he smiles sweetly, and they are just two idiots in the middle of a busy path surrounded by snails. (Not surrounded, although Phil is sure Dan has one in his hand.)

Phil wants to reach out and put a strand of hair behind Dan’s ear, his hair is so long, curling at the base of his neck and Phil just can’t help himself anymore. His hand is mid-air towards Dan when he realizes and tries to take a step back, nearly stepping on a snail, correcting his trajectory and falling to the floor. Dan takes him by one arm, saving him; because the universe paid attention to Phil’s thoughts and said _just for this time you can have your scene taken from a rom-com movie, Philip._

And maybe this time it is going to be just as Phil imagined all his boy encounters. 

(Dan tells him he's nothing more than a clumsy idiot, but he's blushing so it's all worth it.)

*

Dan’s lovely and awkward and talks too loud. 

He isn't majoring in Environmental Science, his thing is Philosophy. He is a liar, too. He was very nervous which made him lie about a thesis and then forget to sign his e-mail, because what kind of person would dedicate two afternoons of his life to rescue snails, right?

(He did it. This wasn’t the first time.)

They aren’t actually collecting snails; they are just taking them somewhere safe where they don’t have to face human shoes and an early demise. There’s this little clear beside the big, scary path where there’s what seems to be a little snail house. Phil doesn’t comment on it just because Dan looks so bashful. 

A gentle giant with black clothes, piercings, and a little rainbow pin. What will he do next?

“So, didn’t your boyfriend want to come to help you?” Phil has a very short list of questions to test the waters. A friend? No, he wants some smooches and he thinks he deserves them, so caution can be damned.

Dan chokes on nothing and Phil feels his confidence slip through his fingers. Of course, he’s not gay, he’s probably some kind of very loud ally, he has met those before. (Somehow, Phil keeps attracting straight guys. He hasn’t done anything worthy of that curse, he has always been a perfect gay. What does he have to do to get some gay loving in this world?)

“Oh no. I’m- There’s no boyfriend yet, unfortunately.” Dan avoids Phil’s eyes and distracts himself by petting some snails. (The snails seem to like it.) “I’m pretty new in the whole gay business, yeah.”

Oh right.

“After this-” Dan looks at Phil and he has newfound confidence in his eyes. Does petting snails do that to you? Maybe Phil should try it. “Would you like to come to my room?”

Well.

“I’m gay.” Phil blurts out in the same way some guy said _I’m straight_ after Phil tried to hold his hand. But now Dan blushes, he’s completely red, Phil swears he can feel the heat coming from his cheeks. Dan could replace the red light of the traffic light with his pretty red face.

Dan can’t respond because he throws himself at Phil and kisses the life out of him. Dumbasses get smooched, apparently. 

They kiss surrounded by snails. 

(Let’s not forget the snails.)

While Phil gets his very gay smooches, he forgets about the snails and Dan does, too, until its 3 AM and Dan jumps over Phil kicking him in the face exclaiming something about snails. 

Phil dreams about snails kissing that night.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading my silly thing! comments are very loved in the mars household <3
> 
> reblog on [tumblr here](https://etceteraseverywhere.tumblr.com/post/638696188586098688/snails-kissing)! :D


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